Of Public Displays of Affection

“They had considered each other with so ardent an affection, and with the like affection laid open the very bottom of our hearts to one another's view, that I not only knew his as well as my own.” –Montaigne, “Of Friendship”

I have begun to question the effect and role of public displays of affection (PDA) in relationships. PDA makes everyone around uncomfortable. It feels like something so intimate as a kiss or cuddling should be saved for an equally intimate setting. PDA as a form of communication isolates the couple from those around them. In my own relationships, there have been times where cuddling during a movie with friends has felt inappropriate, I have felt as if my relationship has become an imposition on my friends. Friends begin to feel like intruders on a private manner and as a result maintaining those friendships becomes more and more difficult. By participating in PDA, friend time and couple time becomes blurred, often to detriment of the friendship.

But maybe that’s okay. Once having entered into a relationship, the partner should come first. And maybe PDA serves as a powerful way of saying “I trust you/care about you/etc. enough to place something intimate in the open”. Maybe PDA builds trust. And perhaps the trust building can be carried over to friendship outside of the couple relationship. It says “we’re close enough that I trust you with knowing all aspects of my life.” By feeling comfortable enough to participate in PDA amongst friends, a strong sense of safety from judgment has to have already been established. My boyfriend and I share a mutual best friend, and when we have given each other a quick kiss in front of him, it has felt less awkward than had it been in front of others. It reassured that there was no duplicity in our friendship. When people get upset about seeing PDA, maybe they—and not the couple—are in the wrong for failing to correctly interpret the expression of trust their couple friends are giving them.

Perhaps PDA lands somewhere in the middle of the appropriateness spectrum. Not okay for the large public, where sweeping demonstrations of trust are inappropriate, but okay when trust needs to be emphasized.