When Someone Else Poops Your Pants

First Story:

When Somebody Else Poops Your Pants...

Audience/ Kairos: I usually tell this story to people I’ve known for at least a little while, and usually when I want younger children to like me and think I’m funny.  

It all happened when I was working at a Dude Ranch in Wyoming.  Every week we, the staff, would take the guests to the Rodeo to experience the “cowboy life”.  It was getting pretty late, about 10:00, and the guests were ready to make the 30 minute trip back home to the ranch.  As everyone was getting back into the vans, I realized I needed to use the bathroom really quickly.  I ran to the outhouse, went number one, and quickly got ready to step out the door when I smelt a disgusting odor.  I put my hand in the moonlight to see- and sure enough, there was poop on my hand.  I was confused- I hadn’t gone number two... I looked at the toilet seat, and sure enough on the back seat poop had been smashed, only it wasn’t mine- and now it was in my already done up pants.

I could hear the guests leaving and realized there was no time to clean up (and no supplies), so I ran to the staff car and sat in the back.  A good looking guest my age decided he wanted to come with us.  Great.  I squished to my side so he wouldn’t smell me, and boy did I stink.  All I could think the whole ride home was that literally, someone else had pooped my pants.  We arrived at the camp and walked the quarter mile to the cabins- longest walk of my life.  My friends invited me to join them in fun and games, but I kindly declined and raced to my shower.  Let’s just say I never wore any of those items I was wearing ever again.  I honestly couldn’t help but laugh at what had happened, even if I was totally disgusted.  What did I learn?  I guess that you should always look at the toilet seat before sitting down, especially in an outhouse.

Second Story:

Can We Please Just Be Mature... For Once!

Audience/Kairos:  Telling the story to the dear random citizen in whose poop I had in my pants, as well as all those who try to be funny and act without thinking of the effect it will have on others.

Not only were my pants, shirt, belt and underwear ruined, but my pride as well came to a crashing halt.  I sat there staring at my poop-stained clothing.  Disgusting and ruined.  The worst thing was, it wasn’t even my own poop!  I began thinking of how utterly violated I had felt just moments ago.  Just moments ago [anadiplosis] I had been working my tail off [metaphor], doing my best to help the guests feel comfortable, enjoy the rodeo, and to give them as much of a “cowboy” experience as I could offer [degree].  It was 10:00 pm, it had been a long day of work- and the guests were ready to leave the rodeo and head back.  I was exhausted but desperately needed to make one last trip to the bathroom before the 30 minute car ride back.

Some people are those “spur of the moment” type of people; they don’t think about how if they do something mean now, it might really negatively affect someone later [cause/effect].  Well, needless to say, I was that negatively affected someone later.  I used the bathroom as fast as I could as to not make the guests wait.  Before I could leave the outhouse, however, I smelled the most disgusting outhouse smell… and realized it was coming from my hand.  

“Oh crap!” [paronomasia]  And literally, there it was, on my hand; but it doesn’t end there because not only was it on my hand, but it was all over my backside and all over the toilet seat and then it was in my pants and it was on my shirt and it was on my belt and did I mention it wasn’t even my crap in the first place [polysyndeton]!?  Because of the lack of time, I was forced to leave having pooped filled pants, and a loss of pride.  As I left I looked around at all the people.  What ungrateful, immature, inconsiderate creature of a human could have done this?  They had to have missed the hole on purpose.  If only they could see the damage of what they’d done [judicial oratory].  Fortunately enough I came out of the situation with no diseases, or long lasting health problems, but I wish that for every prank one does, they too have to suffer the consequences, just so they’ll think twice before causing someone a severe loss of pride... or worse.