The Babysitting Scare

1. How I normally tell it: 

The Babysitting Scare

Kairos/audience: I tell this story when others are telling scary stories.

The Garffs lived in dark neighborhood in LA. They had a tall hedge dividing their house from the street. Once you were in the front yard, no one could see you from the outside. There was a big tree in their front yard. Its branches reached the wide window on the side of the house. From that window, you could see the front room.

That’s where I was, curled up on the couch, reading, after having won the bedtime battle with the three Garff kids. Their parents were supposed to be home in a few hours.  

I was in the middle of an intense shooting scene in my book when I heard tapping on the window and whistling outside.

I closed my book and slowly sat up, looking out the window. I was greeted by an old man. He grinned and waved at me. I quickly laid back down. After taking a deep breath, I sat back up. The man was gone. Mind racing I jumped from the couch and ran to the kids’ room. They were still asleep.

Then I did what any middle-schooler would do—I called my mom.

“Mom,” I whispered when she picked up. The whistling and tapping had started again. “There is an old guy outside whistling and tapping on the window. What do I do?”

“Stay calm,” she told me. “Call Mrs. Garff, I’m coming over.”

Now I had a new dilemma. The paper with the mother’s phone number was in the kitchen. Past the window. I couldn’t walk by. He’d see me. I couldn’t crawl by. He’d see my back. So I got on my belly and army-crawled to the kitchen.

“Hi Mrs. Garff,” I said, when she answered, trying to keep my voice calm. “There is an elderly man outside? I—”

“Oh Maren,” she exclaimed. “I’m so sorry.”

A women’s voice now joined the whistling outside. “Frank, what did you do? You probably scared the poor girl. Honey—”

“It’s the kids’ grandparents,” Mrs. Garff explained as the women outside said, “We’re the kids’ grandparents.”

The kids had told me their grandparents were coming to town, arriving around 1 am. It was barely 9.

They made good time, they told me when I let them in. And they didn’t want to wake the kids by knocking on the door.

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2. Revision

Don’t Panic

Kairos/audience: Little sister

I heard him tapping on the window and whistling and then I saw him [polysyndeton]. There was an old man outside, smiling and waving at me. I was alone inside, babysitting [similarity/difference]. I looked away from the window and when I looked back, he was gone.

Trying to stay calm, first I checked on the kids. They were still sleeping soundly [alliteration]. Then, I called Mom because I knew she’d know what to do. She told me to stay calm and to call the kids’ parents [authority].

But their phone number was on a piece of paper in the kitchen, past the window [ellipsis]. I didn’t want the man to see me, so I slithered like a snake to the kitchen [alliteration, metaphor]. Better safe than sorry [maxim].

“Hi Mrs. Garff,” I said when she answered.

Tap, tap, tap [onomatopoeia]. I could hear the man tapping and whistling again.

“There is an elderly man outside.” I tried to keep my voice calm to show I wasn’t panicking.

“Oh, Maren,” she exclaimed. “I’m so sorry.”

I heard another voice outside. “Frank,” it said. “What did you do? You probably scared the poor girl. Honey—”

“It’s the kid’s grandparents,” Mrs. Garff said as the woman outside said, “We’re the kids’ grandparents.”

Now, the kids had told me that their grandparents were coming to visit and I think something in the back of my mind knew that, so I didn’t call the police [supernatural].

When babysitting, it is important not to panic if something scary happens. Be aware of your situation and stay calm as you figure out the problem.

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