New Dog, Old Trick

First Version

Title - New Dog, Old Trick

Kairos / Audience - I tell this story to let people (usually acquaintances/friends) know, although I am often quiet and reserved, I can be funny and crafty if I want to be. 

In ninth grade speech class we had an activity where we had to draw a prompt from a jar and then give a two minute impromptu speech. 

When it was my turn, I opened my paper and read the words "First day of school."  Lame.  I made the split-second decision to ditch the prompt and speak on the topic that was beginning to consume the minds of all my fellow adolescent peers.  

I don't remember exactly what I said, but it went something like this:

"My prompt is 'Tell about your first crush'.  (From the look on my teacher's face I could tell she knew I had made it up, but she allowed me to proceed.)  Well, the first time I saw her was in the mall.  Gosh, I thought she was fine!  She smelled so good.  I told my mom I was positive she was the one for me.  Since it was December, I also told Santa.  She was all I wanted for Christmas.  Turns out I couldn't wait the 25th.  When my parents weren't looking, I'd sneak out to go see her.  The first time we held hands was Christmas day.  Our hands fit like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

By the time spring rolled around, I was full-blown twitterpated.  We'd spend a lot of time at the park together tossing a ball around or just talking on a bench.  I'd puff out my chest in pride whenever I'd catch my friends sneaking envious glances her way.  Every once in a while, when she looked worn down, I'd take a special lotion and thoroughly rub it into her soft skin.  (Awkward giggles from classmates.)  We were so perfect for each other.  She and I shared big dreams.

Until one day, when I needed her the most, she really dropped the ball.  She let me down, and it hurt.  I had to move on.

What if I told you she is in our class right now?  (The cumulative sound of thirty jaws hitting the floor.)   Look on the back row and you'll see her, my first love.  My baseball glove."  (Silence... and then roaring laughter.)

Then the bell rang and class was dismissed.  It felt like hitting a buzzer beater. 

I never told anyone, but I actually got that idea from my dad, who did the same thing about his basketball in a high school English class.

[400 words]

Second version

Title - "High School Reflection"

Kairos / Audience - I tell this story to my mom.

I once gave a funny speech in high school.  You can ask my friends; it was really good. [witnesses] All of the other kids were giving really lame speeches.  They would stand there for the better part of two minutes giggling and repeating, "I can't think of what to say!"  No one was listening and everyone was bored stiff.  Even the clock was bored and forgot it was supposed to keep ticking as time seemed to drag on forever. [personification] I decided, if given the opportunity, I would try and serve up a spicier speech. [alliteration]  During my speech, everyone was on the edge of his or her seat, completely unsure where I was headed.  [comparison]

I started thinking of how I could compose a comical narration.  While contemplating, a thought popped into my mind.  I remembered dad had previously told me of a time he razzed his class by relating a story of his "girlfriend" that turned out to be a basketball.  I looked down under my chair and saw my baseball glove.  Ideas started swirling though my mind like leaves in an autumn wind, and before I knew it, I had crafted a real humdinger of a tall tale. [simile]

God consented to let me try and lobbed a softball right over the heart of the plate for me to hit out of the park.  [supernatural] I did, and the reactions of the kids in my class throughout my speech were priceless.  I started off by telling them how I met my "first love" in the store.  I told them I told you she was "the one".  I could tell everyone in the room was surprised to hear this from me since I was always so quiet.

Anyway, I continued by describing our dating life, telling the class how we would spend time together at the park.  By this time the class was a sea of fits of giggles and eyes darting around the room.  I felt I could almost see a giant question mark collectively forming above everyone's heads.  I finished by telling the class we broke up because she let me down. 

The real drama began when I announced this "special someone" was in our class.  Then I dropped the punchline and a deafening silence [oxymoron] came over the room.  Then the class erupted in laughter, the bell rang, and everyone laughed their way to the buses and didn't stop. [ellipsis]

[398 words]