My Time on the Other Side of Heaven

Title: The Nonouti Resort
Kairos: This story is one that I tell in two situations: when mission stories are swapped, and when somebody says that my mission in the Pacific was "basically a vacation." It tends to prove those people wrong.
Story: At 6:30, the rising sun wakes me up. No alarm clock, because there's no electricity, but that's okay. We don't have walls on our house either, and the sun on the equator is remarkably dependable as a time-keeper. I instantly feel a familiar urge, the one that comes every time something was eaten for dinner the night before that didn't settle quite right. Unfortunately, there are no toilets in our thatched hut, so we use the beach, about a hundred yards away. I swing out of my mosquito net, jump off our platform onto my flip-flops, and begin my awkward waddle-run to the beach. The coral-gravel paths wind through big bushes of meo, a leafy plant that forms like a bush, with leaves big enough to blow one's nose with. As I power-waddle my way to the relief that the beach will bring, I feel my face smear into a spider web, with the spider perched, waiting in the middle to drink my blood. I rip it off, and continue my dash down. Then I see it. There it is! Two big boulders on the beach, with a crack down the middle, perfect for use as a toilet, and with an excellent view of the rising sun. My journey is a success.
As I walk back, I walk much more leisurely. I approach our thatched hut, and see my companion putting coconut branches between the piles of rocks that we use to set our pot on to boil water for breakfast. I hear the neighbor's pigs rummaging through our garbage, think about the people we will teach today, and thank the Lord that I am a missionary on the other side of heaven.

Retelling
Title: Living Conditions on Nonouti
Kairos: This is written to a missionary who is going to live on Nonouti soon.
Story: Nonouti is a great place to live. Your house is a local buia, a local style house with  coconut leaf roof and a platform that's about 8'X16'. [definition] You'll love it. There's a well that doesn't smell TOO bad [litotes] that you get to shower out of. The bathroom is the beach. No, it's not on the beach, it is the beach. There are two stores close to you, with some important differences. The Taotin store is close and you can get some bulk items there, but Nei Fong's store has a refrigerator (one of three on the island).[parenthesis] You can get cold coke and fanta there! [similarity/difference] The people there are great, you can really just pull over at any house, ask for food, and they'll be happy to sit you down to the greatest meal they can afford. The people are super kind, but since there's not much rain, there isn't much plant food,[cause/effect] so it's rice and fish for dinner every night! Lots of variety. [irony]  Honestly, it's great. You'll love the food, you'll love the people, you'll love the house, you'll the island, you'll love the work, and everybody there will love you. [anaphora] Best of luck out there, say hi to everybody there for me!