Flashlights and Fuzz

First Version - Flashlights and Fuzz

Kairos: Okay, to be honest, I don't tell my own stories a lot- My closest friends looked through my list and only recognized the one they were present for.  But this story's different.  This story is the epitome of my life, and I love telling it!  My friends hear it referenced or told whenever I need to quickly and adequately stress how accident-prone I am... Well, either this story, or the time I got in a car accident without an adult on April Fool's Day the day before my license test... but either way, there you have it. This telling is for a "mixed" audience: Where the majority of listeners have already heard the tale.  (This is highly truncated... for the full version, go here)

How I looked back then. *Shudder*

Basically, I used to use a flashlight to move around my house.  I also didn't sleep very well.  These
two factors resulted in many nights lying awake, grabbing snacks and using the facilities by flashlight.  On one such occasion, I noticed police lights flashing behind my house, so I went to check on my sister, then returned to bed.

All was well... Until the phone rang.  At 3 AM.  My mom answered it in a hushed tone.  I heard rustling and moving, and suddenly my mom meandered down the stairs.

Without my glasses, I followed a few paces back, but stopped at the top: Watching as she conversed with two fuzzy fuzz.  I overheard the words "suspicious light" and "potential prowler," and the truth hit me:

I was the prowler.

Guilt and flashlight in hand, I came down to tell my tale.  When it was finished, the officers whispered in their radio, and we watched as several concealed attack dogs and officers retreated.

I signed the paperwork, the officers left, my parents shook their heads, and we all went back to bed...

...By the light of my flashlight.

Second Version - The Fuzzy Fuzz

Kairos: This one's for first-timers only, and only when I'm in the mood/have an excuse to tell it.

One night, I found myself characteristically [Definition] awake in bed, but [Ellipsis] overcome by the urge to walk to the bathroom.  I grabbed my flashlight and completed the task, but, on my return, I noticed red and blue lights flashing behind my house.  Intrigued but fatigued [assonance][apposition], I walked twenty paces to check on my sister.  By the light of my flashlight, I found her snoring and, assuming all was well [apposition], returned to bed: Irked at the lateness of the hour, but grateful I'd be allowed to slumber unencumbered [assonance].

...Or so I thought.  3 AM brought with it the pings and pangs [Paronomasia] of every phone in the house exploding with classical tunes.  Irritated, I rolled over to return to dreaming.

...My mom didn't.  Answering the phone in hushed tone, she was met by a pleasant-yet-urgent woman.

"Are you Denise Larsen, living at *---?*" She asked.

"Mmm... [Onomatopoeia] Yes?"  My mom questioned, sleep ensnaring her.

"My name is Peggy- I work with the Orem Police Dispatch office.  Two officers are waiting outside your front door.  Would you go meet them?"

...The sleep left.  "Of course!"

Me: The Awkward Formative Years

Running through in her mind the "last known position" of each child, she threw on her bathrobe and blundered down the stairs.

My concern piqued, I crept to the top of the stairs to observe.  Having no time to grab corrective lens, I was blinded by both sight and sleep, but listened.

Mom opened the door with caution, but caution turned to question as she viewed the empty doorstep.  About to close it once more, two darkly dressed men moved quickly from concealment.

"Ma'am, is there anyone else in the house?"

"Ju... Just my husband and kids?" She replied.

"Are you positive? Who's that man on the stairs?!"

Turning around, she responded, "It's just my husband!"

They conversed a moment, but when I heard mention of a suspicious light and potential prowler, it dawned on me.

I was the prowler.

Humiliated, I came down the stairs.  I concluded my tale, the officers looked at each other, one grabbed his radio and muttered the appropriate code...

At that moment my parents and I realized the extent of my screw-up.  Four attack dogs and at least ten other officers moved from hiding places, retreating to their vehicles.

I signed some paperwork, the officers left, my parents rolled their eyes at me, and I went back to bed...

Using my flashlight the whole way.